Existing ?

Chapter V - A New Encounter

FEBRUARY 2017

After this failed attempt and not exactly feeling great about my own self-esteem and integrity, I meet a new person around the month of February, once again through a dating app. She is the one who starts talking to me and I must say that, at first glance, she does not interest me all that much. I reply and then... that’s about it.

To be completely honest, she was probably doing a series of massive swipes because I no longer really remember her profile. I’m not even sure I would have liked her knowingly if I hadn’t been playing Russian roulette in the marketplace of romance. Not exactly impressive from a values standpoint, I must admit. After several weeks without talking, she reaches out to me again and I reply. A good month later, we arrange our first date and this first meeting, without being magical, is relatively pleasant.

So we continue talking and I must say that a connection develops, which naturally leads us to another date where, this time, I find a completely different person in front of me. The meeting takes place in a rather cozy little restaurant located by a stream. After all, the first date had gone well, so why not try a restaurant?

But if I may offer a piece of advice while you’re beginning to flirt with someone: don’t go to a restaurant. It’s true, isn’t it? Beyond my own story, going to a restaurant with your crush is a real challenge. You have to pay attention to the way you eat, what you order, then come the choice of outfit, splitting the bill, alcohol if you drink it. I’m telling you: avoid it!

Once I arrive, I quickly realize that the atmosphere is quite tense. In fact, it’s not hard to understand why. After an hour, she still hasn’t said much, hasn’t started a single conversation, and only replies sporadically to the ones I launch in an attempt to get to know her better. Adding to that, one of the patio heaters is pointed directly at me, making me sweat profusely.

— So, how’s the fish?

— It’s good.

— It looks good! You know this restaurant well then?

— Yes...

— It’s my first time here, but it was a good discovery.

— That’s good...

— Is... everything okay?

— Yes, I’m fine.

Fascinating conversation, I tell myself. At that moment, all I want is to run away and I even very cowardly checked whether there was an emergency exit. Since my car was parked directly in front of our table, it would have been difficult to make a quick escape, and besides, it wouldn’t have been very gentlemanly.

The meal finished, a waiter clears our table and I begin feeling increasingly uncomfortable with all these silences, which contrast completely with the person I had met the first time.

— Are you still hungry? Dessert?

— No, I’m full.

— Well... I think we’ll slowly ask for the bill.

— Oh, already?

— Uh... I have to admit that I’m a little perplexed.

— ?

— Well, I don’t know. I feel like the atmosphere isn’t as relaxed as it was the other day. Maybe you weren’t expecting me to sweat like an ox... I say with a touch of awkward humor to hide my discomfort.

— No, that’s not it.

— It was nice seeing you again, but I think I’m going to head home. It seems we don’t match that well after all.

She struggles to find her words, stammers, before tears appear in her eyes. I sink even deeper into my seat.

— What’s wrong? Did I say something insensitive?

— No, it’s just that... I think I really like you.

— Oh... I must admit I wasn’t expecting that.

— I also have to tell you something... I don’t know what you’ll think of me, but I’m twenty-six years old and I’ve never really gone out with a boy.

— I... I don’t really know what to say, except that I don’t think anything of you at all.

— That’s not normal, is it?

— Well, that depends on your reasons. I think “normal” is a word that means everything and nothing at the same time.

— I don’t really know. I loved a boy when I was younger, but it wasn’t mutual. Well... we were best friends, but I wanted more than friendship.

— And did he know?

— Oh yes, absolutely... Since we were always together, we eventually ended up in the same bed. We had gone to a party together and had both drunk a little. What happened happened, and afterward I confessed that I had feelings for him. After that moment, he shut down and became distant.

— I understand exactly what you mean. You never saw him again afterward?

— Yes... From time to time, he came back into my life. He was often very lonely and hardly had anyone but me as a friend. There was something about him that made me sad at times. I don’t think he really realized it, but every time he came back as if nothing had happened, I always thought he was finally ready to accept me as someone who could share his intimacy. Every time he moved forward, it was only to move back again. I know he went through quite a few identity issues, but I suffered a lot because of it.

— What do you mean?

— He came out a few years later.

— Ah yes... that explains a lot.

— So that’s where I am now. I’ve never really been able to trust a man after that. And then there you are. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone like you. You seem amazing... Who would want a nun like me now?

I move to sit beside her and I am touched by such a sincere confession. It even makes me feel foolish, me who had been judging her while believing I wasn’t good enough for her. I take her into my arms and once again, without realizing it and despite all the empathy I feel for her, I step into a dramatic triangle that begins with the role of savior, a role I cannot seem to resist wearing.

I reassure her and tell her that I find her interesting, that this second date would never have happened otherwise. Then I confess that what I am looking for goes beyond simple amusement. I want a truly fulfilling relationship for both people involved. I want something serious, and I would like to take the time to get to know her thoroughly so that she can place her trust in me.

Several more dates follow, some very awkward and making me think that I should definitely turn back, and others much more pleasant. It is at that moment that I realize she has something I like, beginning with her personality, which is saying something. Fortunately, I have one too. Little by little, she reveals herself, dropping that cold and rigid mask and allowing a form of tenderness to emerge beneath her icy shell.

At a certain point, something clicks and we finally manage to understand each other. Our honeymoon begins there and lasts for several months.

From that point on, everything moves very quickly for me. After spending fifteen wonderful days together on vacation at the end of June, she suggests that I move in with her. I panic a little and don’t know what to do. It’s so unexpected. Besides, I like my little life the way it is because, being the solitary person that I am, I enjoy having time to myself. Perhaps another consequence of my isolation?

But returning to the story, she tells me that it could also be a way of seeing whether we function well together in everyday life. After a day or two, I look at the walls of my little bedroom and decide that this is an opportunity for me to move forward, despite a voice somewhere in the back of my mind warning me to be careful.

In July of that year, I move in with her and we truly begin our adventure together, discovering each other’s daily lives and forming a sort of cocoon. I introduce her to my family and she introduces me to hers, with whom we spend many wonderful moments during the early days of our relationship.

I see myself moving forward. I feel emancipated and I, too, am building something, much like those people I had envied only a few months before.

But... something does not sound quite right in the score we are playing together.